How to Win Friends and Influence People

“How to Win Friends and Influence People” is a must-read by Dale Carnegie about important personal and business communication. The principles are invaluable and I highly recommend trying even just a few of them for one day to see the results. My favorites are some of the most simple things we forget to do: call people by their name, be an attentive listener who does not cut people off when they talk, and stop criticizing.

Below is the summary and outline of the most important takeaways from this classic. Enjoy.

How this book was written and why

  • At first Carnegie conducted courses designed to train adults, by actual experience, to think on their feet and express their ideas with more clarity, more effectiveness, and more pose, both in business interviews and before groups
  • But gradually, as the seasons passed, I realized that as sorely as these adults needed training in effective speaking, they needed still more training in the fine art of getting along with people in everyday business and social contacts
  • Dealing with people is probably the biggest problem you face, especially if you are in business
    • Investigations revealed that even in such technical lines as engineering, about 15% of one’s financial success is due to one’s technical knowledge and 85% is due to skill in human engineering – to personality and to the ability to lead people
  • John D. Rockefeller said, “The ability to deal with people is as purchasable a commodity as sugar or coffee. And I will pay more for that ability than for any other under the sun”
  • Some common questions asked in a survey were
    • What is your business or profession
    • Your education
    • How do you spend your spare time
    • What is your income
    • Your hobbies
    • Your ambitions
    • Your problems
    • What subjects are you most interested in studying
    • And so on
  • That revealed that health is the prime interest of adults and their second interest is people – how to understand the get along with people; how to make people like you; and how to win others to your way of thinking
    • This is Dale Carnegie’s book to answer the latter interest
  • The techniques used in this book were used and the person who used the principles gained more profit, found more leisure – and found far more happiness in his business and in his home
  • Countless number of salespeople have increased their sales by the use of these principles
    • Executives have been given increased authority and increased pay
  • The former Princeton president claims that “education is the ability to meet life’s situations”
    • This is an action book

 

Nine Suggestions to get the Most out of This Book

  1. You need a deep, driving desire to learn, a vigorous determination to increase your ability to deal with people in order to read this book
    • Constantly remind yourself of how important these principles are to you
    • Picture to yourself how their mastery will aid you in leading a richer, fuller, happier, and more fulfilling life
  2. Read each chapter rapidly at first to get a bird’s-eye view of it
    1. Don’t rush onto the next one unless you are merely reading for entertainment
  3. Stop frequently in your reading to think over what you are reading
    1. Ask yourself how and when you can apply each suggestion
  4. Read with something in your hand
  5. Review it every month for a very long time
    1. Keep constantly improving yourself with the rich possibilities for improvement that still lie in the offing
  6. Remember that learning is an active process; apply these principles at every opportunity
    1. Regard this as a working handbook on human relations
  7. Offer someone money every time they catch you violating a certain principle
  8. Self-examine yourself and reward yourself appropriately
  9. Write specific triumphs with names, dates, and results

 

 

Part One

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

  1. “If You Want to Gather Honey, Don’t Kick Over the Beehive”
  • It is common in human nature for people to not criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong it may be
    • Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually him strive to justify himself
    • Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment
  • An animal rewarded through good behavior will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns than an animal punished for bad behavior, as proven by psychologist B.F. Skinner
    • Later studies have shown that the same applies to humans
  • Criticism engenders resentments and can demoralize people (it will not correct the situation)
  • Human nature in action shows that wrongdoers blame everybody but themselves
    • We are all like that
    • The people we criticize are likely to condemn us in return
  • Abraham Lincoln learned by bitter experience that sharp criticisms and rebukes almost inevitably end in futility
  • When dealing with people we must remember that we are not dealing with creatures of logic
    • We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity
  • Benjamin Franklin’s secret to his success was that, “he would speak no ill of no man … and speak all of the good of everybody I [he] know”
    • Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain – and most fools do
  • But it takes character and self-control to be forgiving and understanding
  • Carlyle said that, “A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little men”
  • Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them
    • Let’s figure out why they do what they do
    • That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism
    • It breeds sympathy, tolerance, and kindness
  • Principle 1 – Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain

 

2 – The Big Secret of Dealing with People

  • The only way to make someone do something is to make them want to do it
  • Sigmund Freud said that everything we do desires from two motives – the sex drive and the desire to be great
  • Dewey said that the deepest urge in human nature is “the desire to be important”
    • The desire to be important is very significant and will be repeated often in this book
  • Some of the things that most people want include
    • Health and the preservation of life
    • Food
    • Sleep
    • Money and the things money will buy
    • Life in the hereafter
    • Sexual gratification
    • The well-being of our children
    • A feeling of importance
  • The desire for a feeling of importance is one of the chief distinguishing differences between mankind and the animals
    • This desire makes you want to wear the latest styles, drive the latest cars, and talk about your brilliant children
  • If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I’ll tell you what you are
    • That determines your character
    • That is the most significant thing about you
  • History sparkles with amusing examples of famous people struggling for a feeling of importance
  • Many people who go insane find in insanity a feeling of importance that they were unable to achieve in the world of reality
  • Charles Schwab was paid one of the biggest salaries ever because of his ability to deal with people
    • He said, “I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people… the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement”
    • “There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors… I believe in giving a person incentive to work”
    • Schwab said, “If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise
    • Schwab said he had yet to meet a person who did better under criticism than under praise
  • Sincere appreciation was one of the secrets of the first John D. Rockefeller’s success in handling men
  • Flattery seldom works with discerning people
    • It is shallow, selfish, and insincere
  • In the long run, flattery will do you more harm than good
    • Flattery is counterfeit, and like counterfeit money, it will eventually get you into trouble if you pass it to someone else
  • The difference between flattery and appreciation is that flattery is insincere while appreciation is sincere
  • Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “you can never say anything but what you are”
    • One of the most neglected virtues of our daily existence is appreciation
  • Stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about other people’s good points, so you won’t have to resort to flattery so cheap and false that it can be spotted almost before it is out of the mouth
  • Hurting people not only does not change them, it is never called for
  • Emerson said, “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him”
  • Let’s try to figure out another person’s good points, forget flattery, and give honest and sincere appreciation
  • Principle 2 – Give honest and sincere appreciation

 

3 – “He Who Can Do This has the Whole World with him. He who cannot walk a lonely way”

  • Everyone is interested in what they want
    • The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it
  • Every act you have performed since the day you were born was performed because you wanted something
    • Even if you donated you made the contribution because you wanted something
  • Harry Overstreet said, “Action springs out of what we fundamentally desire… and the best piece of advice which can be given to would-be persuaders, whether in business, in the home, in the school, in politics, is: First, arouse the other person in an eager want”
  • Andrew Carnegie learned that the only way to influence people is to talk in terms of what the other person wants
  • Make people want to do the things that they need to do for you
  • It is much wiser to talk about the other person and what they want
  • Henry Ford said, “If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own”
  • Many salespeople, for example, spend a lifetime in selling without seeing things from the customer’s angle
  • The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking
    • So the rare individuals who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage
    • He has little competition
  • If you get one thing out of this book, acquire the ability to think in terms of other people’s point of view, and see things from their angle
  • First, arouse in the other person with an eager want
    • He who can do this has the whole world with him
    • He who cannot walks a lonely way
  • When we have a brilliant idea, instead of making others think it is ours, why not let them cook and stir the idea themselves
    • They will then regard it as their own; they will like it and maybe eat a couple of helpings of it
  • Principle 3 – Arouse in the other person an eager want

 

Part Two: Six Ways to Make People Like you

1 – Do This and You’ll be Welcome Anyone

  • You can make more friends in two months by becoming interest in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested you
  • It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring
  • You have to be interested in people if you want to be a successful writer of stories
  • A genuine interest in people is important
    • When he was performing he told himself, “I love my audience”
  • By having a sustained interest in other people, you can create a new life for yourself at a time when many people consider their productive years over
  • One can win attention and time and cooperation of even the most sought-after people by becoming genuinely interested in them
  • If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people – things that require time, energy, unselfishness, and thoughtfulness
  • If we want to make friends, let’s greet people with animation and enthusiasm
  • Showing a genuine interest in people not only wins friends for you but may develop in its customers a loyalty for your company
  • A show of interest, as with every other principle of human relations, must be sincere
    • It must pay off not only for the person showing the interest, but for the person receiving the attention
  • If you want others to like you, if you want to develop real friendships, if you want to help others at the same time you help yourself, remember to
    • Becoming genuinely interest in other people
  • Principle 1 – Become genuinely interested in other people

 

2 – A Simply way to make a Good First Impression

  • Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, “I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.”
  • When someone is glad to see you, naturally you are glad to see them
    • A baby’s smile has the same effect
  • Professor McConnell of the University of Michigan said that, “People who smile manage, teach, and sell more effectively, and to raise happier children. There’s far more information in a smile than in a frown. That’s why encouragement is a much more effective teaching device than punishment”
  • The effect of a smile is powerful – even when it is unseen
    • Research has shown that a “smile” comes through in your voice when you speak (even on the telephone)
  • A chairman of a board once said that, according to his observations, people rarely succeed at anything unless they have fun doing it
    • This chairman doesn’t put much faith in the adage that hard work alone is the magic key that will unlock the doors to our desires
  • You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you
  • You should stop talking about what you want, and instead try to see things from the other person’s viewpoint
  • If you don’t feel like smiling, force yourself to smile; act as if you were happy and that will make you happy
  • Everybody in the world is seeking happiness – and there is one sure way to find it
    • That is by controlling your thoughts
    • Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions
    • It depends on inner conditions
  • It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy
    • It is what you think about
  • Shakespeare said, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so”
  • Lincoln once remarked that most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be
  • Working all by oneself in a closed-off room in an office not only is lonely, but it denies one the opportunity of making friends with other employees in the company
  • Picture in your mind the able, earnest, useful person you desire to be, and the thought you hold is hourly transforming you into that particular individual
    • Thought is supreme
    • Preserve a right mental attitude – the attitude of courage, frankness, and good cheer
    • To think rightly is to create
    • All things come through desire and every sincere prayer is answered
  • The Chinese have a proverb that goes, “A man without a smiling face must not open a shop”
    • Your smile is a messenger of your good will
    • Your smile brightens the lives of all who see it
  • Principle 2 – Smile

 

3 – If you don’t do this, you are headed for trouble

  • Whenever Jim Farley met a new acquaintance, he found out his or her complete name and some facts about his or her family, business, and political opinions
    • He fixed all of these facts well in mind as part of the picture, and the next time he met that person, even if it was a year later, he was able to shake hands, inquire about the family, and ask about the hollyhocks in the backyard
  • Jim Farley learned early in life that the average person is far more interested in his or her own name than all the other names put together
    • Remember that name and call it easily, and you have paid a subtle and very attractive compliment
    • But forget it or misspell it – and you have placed yourself as a sharp disadvantage
  • Andrew Carnegie knew how to handle people, and that is what made him rich
    • Early in life he showed a flair for organization, a genius for leadership
    • By the time he was ten, he too had discovered the outstanding importance people place on their own name
    • He used that discovery to win cooperation
  • The policy of remembering and honoring the names of his friends and business associates was one of the secrets of Andrew Carnegie’s leadership
    • He was proud of the fact that he could call of his factory workers by their first names, and he boasted that while he was personally in charge, no strike ever disturbed his flaming steel mills
  • The chairman of Texas Common Bancshares believes that the bigger a corporation gets, the colder it becomes
  • People are so proud of their names that they strive to perpetuate them at any cost
  • Most people don’t remember names, for the simple reason that they don’t take the time and energy necessary to concentrate and repeat and fix names indelibly in their minds
    • They make excuses for themselves; they are too busy
  • FDR knew that one of the simplest, most obvious and most important ways of gaining good will was by remembering names and making people feel important – yet many of us do it?
    • One of the first lessons a politician learns: “To recall a voter’s name is statesmanship. To forget it is oblivion”
  • The ability to remember names is almost as important in business and social contracts as it is in politics
  • One guy asks how to spell someone’s name to be sure that he can remember the name
    • During the conversation, he took the trouble to repeat the name several times, and tried to associate it in his mind with the person’s features, expressions, and general appearance
  • The importance of remembering and using names is not just the for kings and corporate executives
    • It works for all of us
  • Principle 3 – Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language

 

4 – An easy way to become a good conversationalist

  • Many people are just looking for a listening ear
  • Someone who was a great conversationalist did this:
    • He had listened intently
    • He had listened because he was genuinely interested
  • An intent kind of listening is one of the greatest compliments we can pay anyone
  • Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important
    • Nothing else is so flattering as that
  • Listening is just as important in one’s home life as in the world of business
    • The chronic kicker, even the most violent critic, will frequently soften and be subdued in the presence of a patient, sympathetic listener – a listener who will be silent while the irate fault-finder dilates like a king cobra and spews the poison out of his system
  • Sometimes peoples’ behaviors can be explained by their need to feel important
  • Very important people have said that they prefer good listeners to good talkers, but the ability to listen seems rarer than most other good traits
  • When we are in trouble, all we want is a sympathetic listener to whom you can unburden yourself
    • That is frequently all the irritated customer wants, and the dissatisfied employee or hurt friend
  • One of the greatest listeners of modern time was Sigmund Freud
    • He had a great concentrated attention
    • The speaker said of him, you’ve no idea what it is like to be listened to like that
  • If you want to make people shun you and laugh behind your back, learn not to listen to other people
  • Instead:
    • Wait for people to finish
    • Don’t talk a lot about yourself
    • Don’t interrupt in the middle of a sentence
  • People who talk only of themselves think only of themselves
  • If you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener
    • To be interesting, be interested
    • Ask questions that the other person will enjoy answering
    • Encourage them to talk about themselves or their accomplishments
  • Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems
  • Principle 4 – Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

 

5 – How to Interest People

  • When Theodore Roosevelt expected a visitor, he sat up late the night before, reading up on the subject in which he knew his guest was particularly interested
  • For Roosevelt knew, as all leaders know, that the royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most
  • Making yourself agreeable is a good thing as well, according to a memorable quote
  • It is important to find out what interested man – what caught his enthusiasm
  • Talking in terms of the other person’s interests pays off for both parties
  • Principle 5 – Talk in terms of the other person’s interests

 

6 – How to make people like you instantly

  • Always make the other person feel important
    • John Dewey said the desire to be important is the deepest urge in human nature; and William James said, “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated”
  • “Do unto others as you would want others to unto you” {do this all the time}
    • You want the approval of those with whom you come in contact
      • You want recognition of your true worth
      • You want a feeling that you are important in your little world
    • You don’t want to listen to cheap, insincere flattery, but you do crave sincere appreciation
    • You want your friends and associates to be “hearty in their appreciation and lavish in their praise”
  • Use appreciation to get what you want
  • Almost everyone considers himself important, very important
  • The life of many a person could probably be changed if only someone would make him feel important
  • The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle ways that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely
  • Emerson said, “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him”
  • Talk to people about themselves, and they will listen for hours
  • Principle 6 – Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely

 

Part Three: How to Win People to your way of thinking

1-  You Can’t Win an Argument

  • Why prove to a man he is wrong?
  • Is that going to make him like you?
    • Why not let him save his face?
    • He didn’t ask for your opinion; he didn’t want it
    • Not only does it make the storyteller uncomfortable, but it also puts people in an embarrassing situation
  • It would be lot better if you are not argumentative
    • I have come to the conclusion that there is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument – and that is to avoid it
    • Nine out of ten times, an argument ends with each of the contestants more firmly convinced that ever that he is absolutely right
  • You can’t win an argument
    • You can’t because if you lost it, you lose it; and if you win, you lose it
  • A wise old Ben Franklin said, “if you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will
  • People can change vastly through the way they get their feeling of importance
  • Buddha said, “Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love,” and a misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other person’s viewpoint
  • In an article, some suggestions are made on how to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument
    • Welcome the disagreement
    • Distrust your first instinctive impression
    • Control your temper
    • Listen first
    • Look for areas of agreement
    • Be honest
    • Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them
    • Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest
    • Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem
  • Ask yourself if there is truth or merit to your opponents side of the argument
  • When one yells, the other should listen – because when two people yell, there is no communication, just noise and bad vibrations
  • Principle 1 – The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it

 

2 – A Sure Way of Making Enemies – and how to avoid it

  • Don’t strike blows at peoples’ intelligence, judgment, pride, and self-respect
    • That will make them want to strike back
  • It is difficult, even under the most benign conditions, to change people’s minds
  • Galileo once said, “You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself”
  • Lord Chesterfield said, “Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so”
  • You should stop telling people they are wrong
  • Carnegie believes that showing respect for all customer opinions and treating them diplomatically and courteously will help beat the competition
  • You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong
    • That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just and fair and open and broad-minded as you are
    • It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong
  • Few people are logical
    • Most of us are prejudiced and biased
    • Most of us are blighted with preconceived notions, with jealousy, suspicion, fear, envy, and pride
  • When we are told we are wrong, we resent the imputation and harden our hearts
  • When we are wrong, we may admit it to ourselves
    • And if we are handled gently and tactfully, we may admit to others and even take pride in our frankness and broad-mindedness
    • Ridicule and abuse will never do
  • One of the finest things I know about Ben Franklin is the way he accepted that smarting rebuke
    • He was big enough, and wise enough to realize that it was true, to sense that he was headed for failure and social disaster
  • I am convinced now that nothing good is accomplished and a lot of damage can be done if you tell a person straight out that he or she is wrong
    • You only succeed in stripping that person of self-dignity and making yourself an unwelcome part of any discussion
  • By asking questions in a very friendly, cooperative spirit, and insisting continually that they were right in laying out boards not satisfactory to their purpose, I got him warmed up, and the strained relations between us began to thaw and melt away
  • Martin Luther King Jr. said that he judges people based on their own principles – not on his own
  • Don’t argue with your customer or your spouse or your adversary
    • Don’t tell them they are wrong, don’t’ get them stirred up.
    • Use a little diplomacy
  • Principle 2 – Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong”

 

3 – If You’re Wrong, Admit It

  • People want a feeling of importance
    • When he began to condemn himself in front of the policeman, the policeman showed mercy
  • Instead of arguing with the policeman, the man admitted the policeman was right and that he or she was wrong; he or she admitted it quickly, openly, and with enthusiasm
  • If we know we are going to be rebuked anyhow, isn’t it far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves?
    • Isn’t it much easier to listen to self-criticism than to bear condemnation from alien lips?
  • Say about yourself all the derogatory things that you know the other person is thinking or wants to say or intends to say – and say them before the person has a chance to say them
    • The chances are a hundred to one that a generous, forgiving attitude will be taken and your mistakes will be minimized just as the mounted policeman did
  • There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one’s errors
    • It not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness, but often helps solve the problem created by the error
  • Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes – and most fools do – but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes
  • Let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm
    • Not only will that technique produce astonishing results; but, believe it or not, it is a lot more fun, under the circumstances, then trying to defend oneself
  • “By fighting you never get enough but by yielding you get more than you expected”
  • Principle 3 – If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically

 

4 – A Drop of Honey

  • Principle 4 – Begin in a friendly way

 

5 – The Secret of Socrates

  • In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the thing on which you differ
  • Begin by emphasizing – and keep on emphasizing – the things on which you agree
  • Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose
    • Get the other person saying “Yes, yes” at the outset
    • Keep your opponent from saying “No”
  • A “No” response is a most difficult handicap to overcome
    • When you have said “no” all your pride of personality demands that you remain consistent with yourself
  • Once having said something, you feel you must stick to it
    • Hence it is of the very greatest importance that a person be started in the affirmative direction
  • The skillful speaker gets, at the outset, a number of “yes” responses
    • This sets the psychological process of the listeners moving in the affirmative direction
  • When a person says “no” and really means it, he or she is doing far more than saying a word of two letters
    • The entire organism gathers itself into a condition of rejection
    • There is, usually in minute but sometimes in observable whole neuromuscular system, in short, sets itself on guard against acceptance
  • When you say “yes” you are in an open, forward-moving, and accepting attitude
  • It can take years and countless thousands of dollars in lost business before one finally learns that it doesn’t pay to argue, that it is much more profitable and much more interesting to look at things from the other person’s viewpoint and try to get that person saying “yes, yes”
  • Principle 5 – Give the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately

 

6 – The Safety Valve in Handling Complaints

  • Most people try to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves
    • Let the other people talk themselves out
    • They know more about their business and problems than you do
  • So ask them questions
  • Let them too you a few things
  • If you disagree with them, you may be tempted to interrupt
    • Listen patiently and with an open mind
    • Be sincere about it
  • Letting the other person do the talking helps in familiar situations as well as in business
  • Sometimes it is important just to hear people out because sometimes that it what people need
  • Almost every successful person likes to reminisce about his early struggles
  • Even our friends would much rather talk to us about their achievements than listen to us boast about ours
  • A French philosopher said, “If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you”
    • Because when our friends excel us, they feel important; but when we excel them, they – or at least some of them – will feel inferior and envious
  • When we have some time to chat, I ask them to share their joys with me, and I only mention my achievements when they ask
  • Principle 6 – let the other person do a great deal of talking

 

7 – How to Get Cooperation

  • No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold something or told to do a thing
    • We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own accord or acting on our ideas
    • We like to be consulted about our wishes, our wants, our thoughts
  • When you urge someone to give you their ideas, it makes you feel that he or she is creating the designs
  • Someone said that the best way to convert someone to an idea is to plant it in his mind casually, but so as to interest him in it – so as to get him thinking about it on his own account
  • Principle 7 – Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers

 

8 – A Formula that will work wonders for you

  • Don’t condemn people even if they are completely wrong
    • Any fool can do that
    • Instead, try to understand them; only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that
  • There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does
    • Figure out that reason – and you may have the key to his actions and perhaps to his personality
  • Try honestly to put yourself in his place
  • Many people claim that success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person’s viewpoint
  • A doctor claims that “cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you consider the other person’s ideas and feelings as important as your own”
    • Starting your own conversation by giving the other person or direction of your conversation, governing what you say by what you would want to hear if you were the listener, and accepting his or her viewpoint will encourage the listener to have an open mind to your ideas
  • Try not to make people obey orders, so instead they will desire to cooperate
  • I would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a person’s office for two hours before an interview than step into that office without a perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what that person – from my knowledge of his or her interests and motives – was likely to answer
    • You should get an increased tendency to always think in terms of the other person’s point of view, and see things from that person’s angle as well as your own – if you get only that one thing from this book, it may easily prove to be one of the stepping-stones of your career
  • Principle 8 – Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view

 

9 – What Everybody Wants

  • Here is a magical phrase that can stop arguments, eliminate ill feeling, create good will, and make the other person listen attentively
    • I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do
  • You deserve very little credit for being what you are – and remember, the people who come to you irritated, bigoted, unreasoning, deserve very little discredit for being what they are
  • ¾ of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy
    • Give it to them, and they will love you
  • Principle 9 – Be sympathetic with other persons’ ideas and desires

 

10 – An Appeal that Everybody Likes

  • In order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives
  • Principle 10 – Appeal to the nobler motives

 

11 – The Movies do it. TV does it. Why don’t you do it?

  • You have to use showmanship
    • You will have to do it if you want attention
  • Experts in window display know the power of dramatization
  • You can dramatize your ideas in business or in any other aspect of your life
  • Principle 11 – Dramatize your ideas

 

12 – When nothing else works, try this

  • Charles Schwab said the way to get tings done is to stimulate competition – not in the sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel
    • The challenge is an infallible way of appealing to people of spirit
  • In one example, the major factor that motivated people was the work itself
  • If the work was exciting and interesting, the worker looked forward to doing it and was motivated to do a good job
    • That is what every successful person loves: the game; the change for self-expression
    • The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win
  • Principle 12 – Throw down a challenge

 

Part Four: Be a Leader: How to change people without giving offense or arousing resentment

1 – If you must find fault, this is the way to begin

  • It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points
  • Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain
    • The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain is pain-killing
  • Principle 1 – Begin with praise and honest appreciation

 

2 – How to Criticize – And Not be hated for it

  • Calling attention to one’s mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism
  • If you want to correct people’s mistakes, you should do it indirectly
  • Principle 2 – Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly

 

3 – Talk about your own mistakes first

  • Principle 3 – Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person

 

4 – No one likes to take orders

  • It can be better to give suggestions rather than orders
    • “you might consider this”
    • “Do you think that would work”
  • Resentment caused by a brash order may last a long time – even if the order was given to correct an obviously bad situation
  • Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask
    • People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued
  • Principle 4 – Ask questions instead of giving direct orders

 

5 – Let the other person save face

  • How important, how vitally important that is to let one save face
    • And how few of us ever stop to think of it
    • We ride roughshod over the feelings of others, getting our own way, finding fault, issuing threats, criticizing a child or an employee in front of others, without even considering the hurt to the other person’s pride
  • Let’s remember that the next time we are faced with the distasteful necessity of discharging or reprimanding an employee
  • Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we destroy ego by causing someone to lose face
    • A French aviation pioneer said, “I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime”
  • Principle 5 – Let the other person save face

 

6 – How to spur people on to success

  • When you praise even the slightest improvement, it inspires the other person to keep on moving
  • Carnegie can look back on his life and see where a few words of praise have sharply changed his entire future
  • The praise and recognition that you receive through getting one story in print can change a whole life for if it hadn’t been for that encouragement, one might not have spent one’s life doing the things one does
  • Using praise instead of criticism is the basic concept of B.F. Skinner’s teachings
    • When criticism is minimized and praise emphasized, the good things people do will be reinforced and the poorer things will atrophy for lack of attention
  • One strategy is to specifically point out how one’s work is superior
  • Remember, we all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it
    • But nobody wants insincerity
    • Nobody wants flattery
  • The principles taught in this book will work only when they come from the heart
  • Principle 6 – Apply the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish with your praise”

 

7 – Give a dog a good name

  • Instead of threatening a worker whose performance has dropped, you can have a heart-to-heart conversation with him or her
    • You can suggest that the two of you can jointly work something out
  • Samuel Vauclain says that, “the average person can be lead readily if you have his or her respect and if you show that you respect that person for some kind of ability”
    • In short, if you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics
    • Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned
  • Principle 7 – Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to

 

8 – Make the Fault Seem Easy to Correct

  • Good teachers can praise the things you do right and minimize errors
  • It encourages you and gives you hope when people say you are good at something
    • It also makes you want to improve
  • In one example, encouragement and making faults seem easy to correct completely changed the life of a son
  • Principle 8 – Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.

 

9 – Making people glad to do what you want

  • Always make the other person happy about doing the ting you suggest
    • It is good to have a delightful way of putting things
  • The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior
    • Be sincere
      • Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver
      • Forget bout the benefits of yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person
    • Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do
    • Be empathetic
      • Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants
    • Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest
    • Match those benefits to the other persons’ wants
    • When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit
  • Sometimes someone will, no matter what, not be happy doing something, but they will be happier if you show them how they will benefit
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